SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE FIRST TIME AAAAAAH!

I HATE THIS WHY

STOP IT. JUST STOP BEING DEAD.

Okay, I had my “How I Met Your Mother” interlude. Time to Reichenbach all the feels.

I think the main explanation for my current problem is that I feel WAY more awkward over the internet than I am in person. I feel so much more apprehension about doing something “creepy” or asking personal questions. And I just dont even have any idea of what the rules are. I need to acknowledge that. I’m all the fuck into breaking the “rules” of social interaction and acceptability and shit *in person*, where I can immediately feel someone’s reaction. There is so little information exchanged, and everything is delayed and grrr.

I just want to run into people by accident like I do at Hampshire. I just want to see people. ><

wickedclothes:

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icecoldnukacola:

it is mind-boggling to me when i think about how people manage to maintain just normal, average day-to-day life

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I’m not sure about normal people. For me, I think it will have something to do with finding a passion, and committing to live an extraordinary life. I don’t know how many candles are on your cake, and I will not try to make any logical connections between how you feel and that number, just for starters, cuz that’s rude, but mine will have twenty on it, in 3 weeks. When I was in high school I could not imagine living past 18, or 21, or 30, depending on how i felt that day. There was an idea in my head of what “18” means, and I could not fit myself as I knew me into that picture. I was (and still am) interested in a LOT of different things, but I didn’t see any lives that I wanted to live, ie, jobs that I wanted to do. Nothing I thought of felt like something I could keep doing and doing for my life. I would get really interested in something, think, “okay, maybe I’m going to do this for my life.” and then eventually I would lose interest, or get interested in something else. 

What I figured out, really just this past semester, and by “figured out” I mean “finally fucking accepted about myself and decided to commit to,” was that I can make it up. I can be…an interruption, a disruption…I can be WRONG, and people can notice, and even be jerks about it, but I can live with that, and do what I want to do anyways. What I want to do, what I wanted to do when I was in 6th grade but lost track of, was perform. I love to be in front of people, have their attention, be LOUD AS FUCK. I’d been telling myself for so long that liking that attention was WRONG and I should try to feel differently. But I learned in a queer theory class about “reception experience” and “subjectivity” and I learned from my classmates who would say exactly how they felt and what they thought in response to anything, including saying how they felt like they were expected to feel, anxiety, apprehension, feeling like they were doing something wrong or not getting it. And so I started listening to myself, treating my first reactions as valid, and questioning those feelings of shame, and wrong-ness, and fear. 

Augh, getting lost. How do people maintain life? Right now, I’m feeling this potentiality in my body. My body has so much performance to do, and I am going to start it, taking classes in performance, doing more queer studies and activism. And I’m also daydreaming about my life, without letting myself criticize it. What kind of life can I create? I want to create space for people. I want to perform and help others find safety to do their own performance. I want to keep getting older and live and do the things I have to, because I want to do things that I can’t yet imagine, and I want to live a weird extraordinary life.

Another thought: you don’t have to stay put, have “close friends” that continue to be that way ad infinitum. Personally, I’m starting to accept my own failure to stick with anything or anyone. I keep changing my group of friends. I never stay in any kind of organization long enough to cease being the newbie. I am perpetually the new kid, feeling slightly envious of the lasting connections and group dynamics that have built up over time. But, I kind of like admiring them. I don’t know. I’m kind of rambling a lot. But, it’s possible that those are not the kinds of relationships that you want. Maybe they are, I don’t know. But like, something can not-last, and still be good and fulfilling and awesome. it’s a pretty strongly enforced idea, that the ideal situation is always for something to last, but it is not necessarily so.

So anyways, that’s mostly just a lot of personal experience, illustrating how I happen to come to the strange understanding that I am looking forward to getting older and continuing to live and be weird and queer making the world weirder and queerer just by being in it. 

Is everyone from Angel/Buffy on HIMYM??

Alixis Denisof is MARRIED to Alison Hannigan???

????

Also, he’s from Maryland??

Imdb is the killer of all magic

I mean, Alex whatever-his-last-name-is?! Oh my god it’s totally Alexis Denisof on HIMYM!! WHAT!?

[edit]: seriously though, is this ENTIRE EPISODE going to be about Ted’s moral dilemma about sleeping with a sex worker?? So fucking lame

WHY IS IT WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL GAAAH!!!

[edit2]: and there goes my favorite TV actress freaking out about using a sex worker’s lipstick and just ><

Aaaaaand then they did this weird thing where Barney was calling Ted out on being totally bigoted about sex workers, and I was like, “go Barney…?” because he wasnt saying “sex workers” he was saying “prostitutes” and “courtesans” and I was suspicious that they were playing Barney’s SJ rhetoric for laughs. 

Aaaaaand then he used the T-word and it was over. God dammit. WHY do they DO this?!